Your new affirmation for inner security: I stand firm in my love!
Being firmly rooted in Love – in a secure sense of unconditional acceptance of ourselves and our experiences – lends us the kind of strength we need to co-create healthy relationships.
There are four main ingredients:
1. Get your needs met
Ask yourself what’s missing from your love-life. What are the biggest disappointments and frustrations? Write them down.
Now, since we operate in a world of duality, and everything in the existence of form has an opposite (a top for every bottom, a left for every right), accept the fact that if your unmet needs exist, so too do your met needs.
What is the flipside of every coin on that list of woes? Go ahead and put those beauties into complete sentences, and craft an affirmation statement, assuming the reality of your ideal love scenario.
“I’m so happy and grateful now that I am in a loving partnership, with mutual admiration and open communication…”
Next, remove the partner from that scenario. That’s right. What does it look like when you are the one showing up for you? Write yourself the most powerful love letter you’ve ever written.
“I’m so delighted to be in loving relationship to myself, feeling admiration for my dedication to growth, and bravery in communicating my perspectives…”
Now you know how to love yourself better than anyone else ever will.
2. Accept what is
This might actually be the single most important thing in life. Acceptance is not resignation, nor is it approval. It is merely the opposite of resistance or denial.
One of our biggest spoilers of life is expectation. It is the very recipe for disappointment. It’s one form of resistance, and an attempt at control – in contrast to an exercise in trust.
Releasing expectations of others and of ourselves creates the space for Love to flow.
Resistance is met with resistance, while acceptance catalyzes expansion. Accepting others and their experiences, lets them feel safe to be who they are and feel what they feel, which fosters a spiritual blossoming.
Accepting yourself is the ultimate act of self-love. We all struggle with beliefs about not being enough. Acceptance means we are.
We don’t have to accept people in particular roles in our lives, but the idea is to accept them as they are. If something’s got to give, it’s always more loving to alter the dynamic, than to attempt to change a person.
The more you accept yourself, the more truly YOU you’ll feel safe to be. And the more authentically you conduct yourself, the more intimacy you will achieve in your relationships.
You do you, and I’ll do me. Do not seek to “fix”, but offer love through acceptance. Personal development is not a matter of improvement, but one of distillation.
3. Practice nonattachment
Attachment is another form of resistance. The one constant in life is change, and yet, we behave as though there is so much more permanence than there really is.
The truth of Nature is impermanence. This can feel scary, but it is a beautiful fact – it’s what makes the good things precious, and the struggles tolerable.
Whatever ideal you are clinging to, let it go.
Even if you think you’ve attained it, it will not remain as it is forever. And the tighter you grip it, the more deeply it will cut you when it passes.
Hold on to hope, but do not become attached to the specifics of what you desire. Allow the grace of the Universe to present its brilliance to you, in its own elegant way.
Rest assured, in any case – for “better” or “worse” – This too shall pass.
4. Decide and commit
This is a common feature among every successful individual. These people don’t fret over indecision. They make a decision, and they commit to seeing it through. They also trust themselves to overcome any “mistakes”, course-correct, and adapt as needed.
If you’re feeling torn about your relationship, end the indecision! Change your perception of challenges from options to stay or go, to opportunities to grow. Commit to your growth, and you will have already succeeded.
Commitment in “successful” relationship is not about two people committing to each other. It’s about each person committing to their own growth, and choosing to make that commitment together.
This may result in two people growing apart, but leaving that door open creates just the kind of breathing room a living entity needs to thrive.
The next and previous Pillars of Security: Balance & Shadow…
(Updated March 18, 2021)