Still in search of a fulfilling relationship? Well, I’m here to tell you that it is fully in your power to make it happen.
Did you know that your relationships with others will always reflect your relationship with yourself? And did you know that your romantic relationship is the one that is bound to trigger your insecurities more than any other? Maybe you’ve already noticed that…
Those feelings of doubt and unworthiness (we’ve all been there!) are your inner-wisdom’s way of telling you that you don’t have a secure foundation underfoot. If you did, you wouldn’t feel so insecure!
But you can’t find security outside of you. Everything outside of you is less of a stable force in your life than you are. Outside things come and go; they have their own timing and mood swings. You have your own fluctuations as well, but you are the single most constant factor in your life – and your greatest source of security.
So how do you go about building a solid foundation within yourself?
Let’s start here:
You may have heard the saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” This means that you cannot be of service until you have given to yourself.
I’d like to take that analogy a step further and point out that your cup won’t hold any water if it is cracked or shattered.
You see, all the bubble-baths and positive affirmations will just flow right through you if your cup isn’t fortified.
What do I mean by that?
Allow me to introduce you to your Shadow
Following, are 3 steps that everyone must take in order to fortify their cup. And without a solid foundation to stand on, your insecurities will perpetually sabotage your relationships, so it is well worth your while to implement this practice in your life.
1. Take Accountability
Your life is the manifestation of your beliefs. If you believe that you’re unworthy of love as you are, then you will find a lot of unappreciation from those whose love you seek.
When you become empowered to change your relationship with yourself, you become empowered to change the dynamics of all of your relationships.
2. Acknowledge Your Shadow
Operating on the premise that you will be more accepted by being more appealing, is usually motivated by a base fear of abandonment.
But here’s the kicker: by hiding certain pieces of yourself in an attempt to be more appealing to others, and thereby avoid being rejected or abandoned, you end up abandoning yourself!
Everything that you or anyone else has ever said you are too much or not enough of… Every aspect of yourself you have shamed and shunned… All that you would be embarrassed for people to know about…
Each of these pieces of YOU gets splintered off and dumped into your Shadow.
3. Reframe & Reclaim
Take inventory, one by one, of every aspect of yourself that you view negatively, and find a positive spin to put on it.
“I’m so boring” can become: “I’m grounded and tranquil.” And you can choose to recognize that as an asset that some people will really appreciate, even though others may not.
Once you’ve reframed a splintered shard of your Shadow, reclaim that piece of you back into your being. Give it a loving hug of acceptance and appreciation. This is the epitome of self-love!
What comes next is a bit of an adjustment
One of the keys here is in knowing that your worth is inherent in your being. You are here, therefore you are worthy of being here – JUST AS YOU ARE.
Another key is in accepting the fact that people have preferences.
We all enjoy different things, and different personality types. You will never be liked by everyone. You HAVE TO come to terms with that.
I mean – you don’t like everyone, right? And some of the people you dislike have nothing especially wrong with them; they’re just not your jam – and that’s ok!
When we try to dull our light to appeal to the masses, we become just that: dull.
When we operate instead, in full alignment with who we truly are, we make it super clear to others who we are, what we’re about, and who we mesh well with.
In this way, the people who ARE your jam, and for whom you are THEIR jam, will recognize you right away, and be drawn to you like magnets. This is the basis for the most fulfilling relationship of all.
The side effects of authenticity
The more authentically we operate in the world, the more meaningful our connections will be.
You cannot form a truly intimate connection (an essential aspect of a fulfilling relationship) with someone without showing up as your WHOLE self. Plus – people who are really grooving in their own jam are just more delightful to be around!
This also means, though, that you have to be willing to disappoint the people who are already in your life and have come to expect you to be the contorted version of yourself that you’ve presented to them.
It is, however, less likely to go down that way than you imagine, and – in fact – while they may be surprised by this apparently new side of you, they are more likely to appreciate the honesty, and respect your authenticity.
And maybe your partner won’t be into that thing you’ve been secretly interested in, but it’s unlikely that they will leave you for it, and you will probably find others to share in that interest, outside of your romantic relationship (which is a key feature of a healthy and balanced dynamic).
Having a fulfilling relationship means showing up already fulfilled in yourself.
If parting ways does turn out to be a result of your authenticity, rest assured that with your security firmly rooted in yourself, you will have it with you in all circumstances. And you’ll have the fortitude to create an even more fulfilling, authentic, and intimate relationship with your next pairing.
When all manner of pieces of you have been splintered off into your Shadow, your cup is fragmented, and it will not hold any water.
Without a secure foundation, fortified from within, you will seek security in others, and you will never find it there.
OWN every piece of you. LOVE YOURSELF COMPLETELY. As in: Every. Single. Bit. of You. It’s all lovable. But your subconscious will only allow as much love from others as you give to yourself, so you’d better crank it all the way up.
Claim your power to love yourself.
Identify your abandoned fragments.
Reunite with all of your glory.
Your love awaits…
(Updated March 19, 2021)